Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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