and you said cock pushups were impossible
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
