Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
