I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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