If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
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