NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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