When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
