I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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