Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Randomize
