Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
