Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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