he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
