she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
