so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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