if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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