I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples