Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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