I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread