I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN