Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
