Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
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But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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