When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
