I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
