It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
No subtext here. People are naked.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
