Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i now understand why vodka
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
