There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
