I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
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Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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