I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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