I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
