You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
not ubering you a puppy
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
