Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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