Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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