im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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