If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
