The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
