I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i've created a new STD.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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