im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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