You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
