chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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