what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
