if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
