Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
