Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
