First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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