What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
