So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
