Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
