i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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