That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
