I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
