Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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