I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
