My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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