Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
