I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
