My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
