clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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