I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
