My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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