I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
