my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
