on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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